On May 22, 2023, my family's foundation was shaken. That is an understatement, it was rocked, much like that of a California earthquake with a 7.0 magnitude. Yes, my dad was almost 85, yes, he lived a full life, no, he was not in the best of health. This is true, but the position he held was that of patriarch one that held the family together under favorable and unfavorable circumstances. He was the one that made sure we remembered each other's birthday and insinuated that we needed to call them to acknowledge it. He kept us abreast of a new accomplishment or endeavor of each sibling. He was the one that gathered immediate and distant family from near and far for most events. He was the one that had jokes for everyone and nicknames for all grand kids. That Jasper/Jefferson blood that ran was strongly rooted in family and family connections. Not one of perfection or flawlessness but one of family and the truest understanding of what that meant. This family has taken in other relatives when they were in transitions, taken in babies and children until parents could recuperate, created spaces and time for family gatherings to eat, laugh and just be. They made sure family was important. Now again, I am NOT trying to preach people through the Heavenly gates. We will talk about the imperfections in a future post.
I said all of that to convey the lopsidedness that is felt in his absence. In all transparency, the shit is in complete disarray. Where there once were communications, get-togethers and the planning of future gatherings, baby, all that has come to a complete halt! At times, I know that I can be a touch abrasive on this topic, as it comes to my 8 living siblings. They know this is not a new conversation. I acknowledge that it's a lot to navigate these many emotions: shock, numbness, sadness, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, guilt, regret, depression, anxiety, worry, frustration, detachment, isolation, and avoidance. I'm adamant because I know the work it took for my dad to keep us as a unit by bringing us together. Also, because of a personal conversation I had with him back in 2012. He had just been released from the hospital from having a heart procedure. When I stopped by to visit, he had a few words of wisdom to drop. He knew of a conflict between two of my brothers and another with me and my sister. He told me, "You all have not had any major losses in a long time, you all still have each other, and people are losing people all the time. All you have is each other so I suggest you get it right." It was that day that I understood how important my sibling relationships were to my dad.
I made a conscious effort to bring the masses together. I could always tel lwhen he was missing groups because he would call me and the first thing he would say is "so when you headed back down?" That was like a bat signal to bring the local group together, as I could be a little bossy at doing so. He knew if anyone could do it, I could. But this is so different, he is not here to give us a nudge to call, check on each other or get back right. So, things have run slightly amuck. I do have full confidence my sibs will eventually do what is right as well as honor what Henry Jefferson held dear.
So, dad, I am tired, go ahead and grab your kids by the backs of their stiff necks and encourage them to do better. We all are grieving, doing life, and trying to be the best version of ourselves possible. However, a call, text, or chat makes a world of difference to someone who feels as if they just lost theirs. Nobody is above evaluating their actions and how they move. Especially me! It’s also possible that I’m heavy on this because I know that this is how legacy is lost. One day our kids will be asking questions either can’t answer or too embarrassed to do so. Constantly, I coach and train diverse groups of people corporately and in my personal profession, listening to and observing people. I understand that my family struggles are quite minute in comparison, and we should be dancing in gratitude honestly. The legacy we have the privilege of carrying out is not one that should be taken lightly. This is bigger than just me and my siblings. The energy and effort which is planted now is what we harvest later. It’s about future generations and being more intentional about preserving legacy than some of our previous generations.